The Things I'm Learning

Kathlyn, my sister, called me yesterday and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Kristina I miss daddy." For people around us, it's been 8 months since our dad passed away and that can seem like a long time, but for us things are still so real. The passage, "In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see," has come to mind a lot lately as I look around and realize how many people have no idea how painful things still really are for us. We never know the experiences others are having. I received an email from a dear friend last week and she asked about how I was doing, how my mom was doing. Those questions after so many months, my sisters expression of missing my dad, my mom saying out loud, "since dad died," cause so much reflection. And as a result, I'm realizing the things I'm learning through this experience.

One, you can't pretend forever. At some point I have to accept that my dad is gone, it's key to healing. I can only pretend for so long that my dad is in the hospital in California and will be home soon. With him being there so much over my life,it has been an easy way to cope. But I have to be a grown up and accept the fact that he's not coming back. That for now, his hospital stay in California is pretty permanent.

Second, time brings both bitter and sweet healing. With the passing of time, the heartache has become less but also the passing of time makes it all the more real.

Next, I don't have all the answers and I won't in this life so there is no sense in wondering about all the what ifs. It is my Heavenly Father who sees an enormous picture that I only have a glimpse of. I simply cannot see what He does.

And lastly, that I truly believe in the promises of the Savior. I know now more than I have ever known before that Families are Forever. That phrase has a whole new meaning for me now. It is no longer just a cliche. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and all of the promises within His plan are true. I know these things and I believe all that my Savior has promised. The scriptures are full of his promises; they are real and they are sure.

There is still so much to learn. And with the passage of time, I hope to continue to learn. One of the greatest things I learned on my mission was that we each have experiences in this life that we cannot avoid. It is part of life. It is up to me whether I choose to learn from them or pass through them in vain, having gained nothing at the end of the experience. During certain experiences on my mission I had to decide if I was going to learn and grow and become better or just let time pass until the experience was over, having learned nothing. I did not want to go through those experiences in vain. I wanted to learn. It is the same thing with the passing of my dad. I can't avoid this experience. So I want to come through this having learned a little something and having increased my testimony.
I know there will be more lessons learned from this experience but for now, I'm thankful for the things I'm learning.